داخلي.. لون اسود
تجري في عروقي دماء سوداء.. سميكة..تمر بصعوبة وبطء .. كأنها تكره تلك العروق الضيقة الكريهة
روح كئيبة محبوسة داخل جسد ميت .. حزين
فالحزن مخيم دائما كسحابة سامة .. سامة لكنها و للأسف غير مميتة
لا اموت .. لا اعلم متي اموت او بالأحري ..متي ادفن .. لكني ميتة
اسمع الجميع لكني لا استمع .. اذناي كقلبي .. كهف مسدود
لا تمر دمائي السوداء عليه .. فلا حاجة لذلك
قلبي يشيخ .. لا اعلم كم من العمر بلغ .. لكني احسست بتجاعيده ذات مره.. فعلمت
يحتاج لأن يتنفس .. لكن من اين له بالهواء في جسد كهذا ..
في جسد .. بلا روح
Dear future kid,
I am not sure if you’re a boy, or a girl
But it’s doesn’t matter, you’ll be mistreated anyway
You’ll be oppressed , broken, depressed, You’ll be a believer, non believer, confused ,suicidal
You’ll come to me for answers..
and I won’t have them.
I might feel some answers,
but I won’t be sure.
And how should I confront you without exposing my doubts?
You’ll search for them in god, I am not sure he’s gonna make them clear enough
Because I am not sure myself
I am scared..
Being distracted is just safer now
I am afraid to think
I avoid deep thought
I try to mute my inner voices by listening to louder voices from outside,
but it doesn’t work, because inner voices are always closer to my ear
I am not sure how I keep going
Or in this case just stand still
I have no advice to give you
I don’t know why I brought you to life,
was I selfish ?
They say women who don’t want kids are selfish, but is it true?
Is it really?
Not the other way around ?
They say you’ll be the dearest to my heart, that I’ll love you more than my mom , dad & brothers.
More than any lover.
They don’t know that freaks me out!
I want you to believe in what I believe in, so it gets less scary.
I want you happy
I want you safe , I want your eyes to sparkle.. forever
I am not sure how it turns out at the end
I am nothing
I can’t promise anything
But god won’t harm you
Even if you didn’t believe in him
Cause my god isn’t like that
You’re a good person , and god knows that, so you’ll be safe.. I am sure .. right god?
Kid,
I want you distracted
Working cow
Society rat
Money slave
Just be busy
Love a girl
Let her distract you
Let sex distract you
Let kids, food, looks , brands
Let sports and routine distract you
DON’T THINK.
Cause I won’t have answers.
I beg you
Distract yourself ..
please.
It's not fair how we keep blaming people for not having the same feelings towards others who are just crazy about them, or if they stop having certain feelings that they had before.
I mean, we totally understand how people can't get over the unconditional love they have with some and how they are not able to get over them.
We understand it because we know they can't control their feelings. And if it was in their hands they wouldn't have chosen to be in love with someone who doesn't love them back.
So we SYMPATHIZE.
Why don't we do the same to the people who aren't able to love back the same way?
Who on earth wouldn't want to love a person who's crazy about them?Who's hypnotized when they look into their eyes?A person who would give up their whole life just to see them happy?
Or a person who shared tons of great memories with them, who would want to give that away?
It's magical, or at least it would be if you just could love them back the way they do.
But sadly, YOU CAN'T.
Why not sympathize with those who don't only feel handicapped for not controlling their feelings, but also feeling tons of guilt for ruining another person's life.
Those people do not deserve more blame,They don't deserve more guilt for something they can't control.
People who can't get over the ones they love, and people who can't love someone back are eventually very similar, they both can't control their feelings, and they're both unhappy. And they both can't change a single thing about it.
I really cherish the fact that some people aren’t meant to be forever.
The fact that they leave, or you ditch, or the fact that there’s something bigger you both can’t control, but eventually .. it separates you.
The fact that god fives you different people in different phases of your life, with completely different personalities, different stories, different dreams that touch your heart and soul and changes you FOREVER. and then they go.
Cherish that.
It’s a gift.
You should cherish their existence in your life in a certain stage and how they affected you, changed your soul and made you learn something new, something that made YOU. Even if it weren’t meant to be.
Having different people through your life is much better than having that one person who was truly forever. Just as you planned and expected.
The bigger better plan that is made for you, it is true.
I mean, what if you completed your life with your first crush ?
can you imagine that now ?
how different you both are and how far your souls have gotten ?
I am sure you can’t.
we keep changing through our lives , at some magical point, we meet .. we connect
we change each other and then we keep changing differently and we have to part.
but was it something to regret ?
Can you regret magic ?
I think it’s more beautiful that you don’t know who you will end up with, who will you even be.
maybe it goes through tears and cries, facing heart breaks and goodbyes.
but it is what makes it magical after all, if you didn’t truly felt every single thing, you wouldn’t have gone through any of these.
It’s the magic of destiny. love it.. just they way it is.
Who am I ?
am I that successful person who’s so unique and one of kind doing their daily work ? a person who’s always asked for help and guidance ?
or am I that lousy family member who’s never there, never around in the gatherings ,remembered in memories or counted on in occasions
To some I am fantasy, to others I am dumb,
am I that loving person feeding the hungry kitten on the street
or am I that selfish person who wants everything for themselves aiming for money, health, love and happiness, a full package just for my own sake
am I ambitious ? or am I greedy ?
am I that nice friend who is always their to help
or am I that bad friend who is always too lazy to talk, to listen
am I this loyal loving partner
or this girl who always craves attention and never gets enough of it, thinking about no one but herself
am I that person who has plans for tomorrow
or that person who’s too lazy to wake up in the morning
am I that strong independent person
or am I that fragile girl who’s tearing when being called fat
I am a mystery wrapped in an enigma.
I am everything and I am nothing,
I am the silent majority.
I am a loud minority.
Or am I ?
“ Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back everything has changed ? “
I once read this and I could not just leave it behind. It is so true.
It is amazing how we change, We completely and entirely change, bit by bit and day by day.
Nothing remains the same, nothing remains from us but some features that we were born with unable to modify.. Yet we try.
Our minds change, our company changes, our opinions vary and our hearts are almost replaced with new ones that has nothing to do with the ones we were born with.
And one day you realize everything is different..
Strange.. Brand new , In a scary way.
School friends, lover, even family , everything has changed.
It’s not what you are used to.
Same bodies but different souls .
You hold on very hard to bodies because it is the only thing left from the souls you once loved, yet it doesn’t feel the same way. Nothing is familiar anymore..
Even your own self is just another stranger to you.
It is like everyone has more than one person inside of them, and every person is born in a certain stage of your life to replace the previous one who’s going away forever.. and there’s no way to get them back.
Your teenager kills your inner kid and your adult version blames your teen-self .. All your versions are contradicting. And there is no way to get the old versions back.. they are just gone, they don’t exist anymore. You leave them behind.. You have to! ..
How do you expect others to keep special versions of them for you ? And for who .. ? the current mortal version of you ?